Sophomore Slump
by jhoom
Summary: Dean and Cas continue their relationship, staying on campus over Summer Break. Which is great, until Castiel's mental well-being starts to unravel and Dean struggles to find a help. (Third in a series: Part One - Welcome to SKU, Part Two - Date Night)
1. Chapter 1

**General AN:** This is just a little PSA/note to anyone who follows my writing in general on ff dot net. My frustrations with some aspects of the site are causing me to switch permanently to ao3 as a means of publishing fics. I won't be publishing any new works on this site, so if you're interested in continuing to read my stuff, you'll have to switch over to my tumblr (jhoomwrites) or ao3 (jhoom) accounts. HOWEVER, because I have a number of unfinished WIPs and series on this site, I will continue to update those until they're complete. That means that the following stories/series WILL continue to be updated on ff dot net: The Mark; Academy Blues; love to hate; What's in a Name?; any fics related to Welcome to SKU. Anything new that I post that is NOT related to those stories will NOT be published here.

* * *

 **AN:** Note that this is the THIRD installment in a SERIES. Please be sure to check out "Welcome to SKU" and "Date Night" first to be able to better understand what's happening here.

I FEEL TERRIBLE FOR NOT GETTING TO THIS IN THE SUMMER AGGGGH! I've seriously had this planned and outlined for weeks and weeks (months and months at this point…) but kept pushing it aside for other things. So I said NOPE NO MORE and sat down to work on it today lol.

Note the tags, please! Even though they don't pertain to this chapter, they detail what you can expect in this story. It's not the carefree PWP of the previous two installments, but some actual emotional stuff that I felt I needed to address since these two goofballs kinda fell into a sub/dom relationship without knowing what they were doing. It seemed like this would be a likely outcome of that scenario.

* * *

Freshman year goes by in a blur of classes scattered throughout his days and nights spent in Dean's bed. Castiel finishes his last exams on a Wednesday and hopefully (assuming the Chem TA's are merciful to him) he'll have another 4.0 under his belt. All in all, it has probably been the best year of his life.

He walks out of the lecture hall with an extra half hour to spare on his exam, so he decides to head back to the Sigma Sigma Beta house to help Dean pack. Although Dean could stay at the frat house for his senior year, the older boy had received a summer internship with one of the professors in the engineering department. Frat houses are closed during the summer, so he'd needed to find a new place to stay.

Dean spent weeks scouring the local neighborhoods for a place until he found one that suited his needs. Although he has a roommate ("Pssh big deal, I've shared a house with like a dozen other dudes for two years, I think I can handle one other guy."), his bedroom is nearly double the size of his current room. He'd even sprung for a double bed, waggling his eyebrows suggestively as he'd told Cas about it earlier that week. ("Pssh big deal, Dean. I've shared a twin size bed with a 6 foot 180 pound Kansas boy. I think I can handle a cramped bed.")

Today is the big move. Though Dean brushed off Cas' offers to help, insisting he needed to focus on studying, there's no point in not doing so now that he's done.

The main floor and stairway are filled with the bustle of activity as the various frat brothers pack up and start loading their cars. Cas weaves his way through them, nodding in greeting but not stopping to chat as he makes his way to Dean's room. The door is open so he doesn't knock before coming in. Not that he's bothered with knocking for some time now, but still.

"Hello Dean."

The man in question is bent over his his bed as he untucks the sheets. Not a bad view, but he stands up and winks at Cas. Tossing the bedding aside, he gestures for him to come closer.

"Hey, if it isn't my cute sophomore boyfriend. C'mere!"

Rolling his eyes, he moves into Dean's open arms. "I won't be a sophomore until August, Dean."

"You finish your last exam?"

"Yes, but-"

"Then _technically_ , you're a sophomore." Dean gives him a quick hug and peck on the cheek. "You here to help?"

He wants to argue the point further, but knows there's no point. Especially not if Dean's finally going to let him contribute to the move. "Of course. Tell me what to do."

"Kinky, but that should probably wait until we're breaking in my new bed."

After a playful swat at Dean, the two finish packing and load up the Impala. Dean's been making trips over throughout the week, so there's really not much left but the essentials.

Cas stands in the doorway with the last box, looking at an empty room that's still filled with so many memories. With a heavy heart, he closes the door and heads outside. Sure, he'll be living there himself in a few months, but something about it being _Dean's_ room is something he doesn't know how to give up.

Outside the house, he finds Dean chatting with Benny, twirling his keys around one finger and laughing.

"Sure we can't convince you to stay next year, brother?"

"Nah, I already gave my room to Cas. Besides, I was kinda liking the idea of having a place off campus to get some actual studying done without you assholes interrupting me."

"Don't pretend you don't like it." Benny steps aside so Cas can load the trunk. "You make sure Deano visits us on the regular."

"I doubt that'll be a problem." He throws a salacious wink Dean's way (which is met with a _beautifully_ rosy blush) before heading to the passenger seat.

The first stop to the apartment is quick. After unloading the car, they head to Cas' dorm. The plan is for Cas to unofficially stay in Dean's room for the first half of summer break. While Dean's doing his internship, Castiel is doing some summer courses. Normally he's not so academically motivated, but between Dean staying at school and Cas' own family being away (his brother now lives in New York and his parents are off on a cruise), it was hardly a difficult decision.

Cas doesn't have a lot, mostly just clothes and books, so it's a much shorter trip.

They pick up dinner on the way back - thai food and some ice cream - chat with Dean's new roommate for a bit, then disappear to his room. And if they don't reappear until the next day, well, who could blame them?

* * *

There's a whole week reprieve before his summer class starts. By then they've mostly developed a routine. Dean gets up early and disappears for most of the day for his internship. Cas gets up an hour or so later and goes for a run, then dicks around on the computer. They maybe get lunch together, maybe not, but they always cook dinner together while watching Netflix.

Occasionally Dean's roommate Bartholomew will join in, more often than not he's there to sleep or take over the living room. Not that it matters to Cas and Dean. As far as they're concerned, Bartholomew can have the whole damn apartment, they're really much more interested in their bed.

("Admit it, Cas. The memory foam and the double mattress were a good idea."

"I admit nothing. And on an unrelated note, I am not getting out of this bed ever.")

So having to go to class again is something of a shock to his system. He gets up late because he's so used to ignoring the alarm. Then he has to rush through his morning routine and skip his run, putting him in a blah mood. Never mind that it's a class he's not really looking forward to. As soon as he walks into the lecture hall, a profound sense of boredom overcomes him.

It's an Intro Econ class for Business students. Cas hasn't even picked a major yet, but his parents are leaning heavily on him to do Business. Since they're footing the bill for his tuition, he took the class to appease them. One look at the textbook had made him want to drop the class and immediately enroll in something else, but his brother and Dean both encouraged him to stick it out.

 _At least for one class_ , he silently added to the end of every promise to try.

And as the cherry on top of his astoundingly bad mad, in walks none other than Gordon Walker just as the professor's settling in to begin the class.

After the _incident_ in the hallway during Pledge Week (and Dean's subsequent punching of Gordon as retribution), they'd been on uneasy terms. Gordon never really apologized for what happened (just an awkward pat on the back and a tentative "We cool?"), but after the initial awkwardness, he became friendlier. Ish? He'd pat Cas too hard on the back and wink at him at odd times, tease him in a way that was probably _meant_ to be part of the 'bro culture' he worked so hard to establish at the frat house but that often fell flat or was borderline dickish.

It's not that Castiel _dislikes_ Gordon. He has every reason to, but he much prefers to forgive and forget rather than carry around the burden of anger. It's more that he doesn't _like_ him, a feeling just shy of indifference. All in all, Cas finds he'd rather ignore Gordon than deal with the complication of making small talk or trying to befriend him.

Which is why he does his best to avert his eyes when Gordon scours the room for a seat. And maybe he tries to hunch into himself and disappear into the crowded (but nearly crowded enough) lecture hall.

Fate, however, has other plans.

Gordon spots him and makes a beeline straight for his row. Castiel holds out hope up until the very last second when Gordon sits down next to him.

"Sup dude. Glad to see a friendly face in here." Then he holds out his fist expectantly. After a beat longer than is socially acceptable, Castiel returns the fist bump and does his best not to show too much disdain for the whole situation.

Ugh, this isn't going to be a pleasant class.

* * *

To Castiel's surprise, Gordon's presence turns out to be not entirely awful.

Dean laughs when he hears that. "'Not entirely awful'? You do realize if that were like a movie or restaurant review, no one would ever go, right?"

"Fine," he grumbles. "It's nice having a familiar face." His boyfriend raises his eyebrows, a slight hand gesture prompting him to continue. "And it's nice having someone who understands the material even less than I do."

At that, Dean absolutely _cackles_. "And there it is," he says once the worst of his giggles have calmed down.

He pouts and crosses his arms in front of his chest defensively. While Castiel might like seeing Dean laugh, he doesn't appreciate it when it's at his expense. "I thought you of all people would be less thrilled about all this."

"Hey, baby, c'mon." Cas finds himself pulled into a bear hug. "Don't be like that. I'm on your side here."

"So you're not upset that I'm hanging out with him?" The question remains unspoken, but there's an understood _Are you still mad at him?_

"Cas," he rolls his eyes and reaches over for more parmesean cheese. "Hang out with whoever you want. It's not like you need my approval. And I mean, Gordon ain't all bad. He gets ahead of himself sometimes and doesn't realize how bad he comes off to people."

When Cas gives him nothing but a pointed look, Dean shrugs. "Look, I wasn't exactly thrilled with the guy after what he did to you. But we hashed it out and I'm over it. Don't get me wrong, he does it again - to you or anybody - and I will punch the living snot out of him, but I doubt he will.

"I've known the dude like two years. He's a hothead and kind of out of touch during Pledge Week. It totally goes to his head and sometimes one of us has to knock him down a peg or two to remind him of that. But he ain't exactly the worst guy in the world. I have been known to enjoy hanging out with him on multiple occasions. I was even sober a couple of those times. So if you like hanging out with him in Econ, I say go for it."

It's like a weight off his shoulders, Dean telling him it's okay to find Gordon's company enjoyable. Because he's right. Gordon, for all his faults, is a decent person underneath the gruff exterior. He keeps a running commentary all throughout class on the professor and TA's, making up this wild story where there's a love triangle between them. It's almost as ridiculous as the plotlines of Doctor Sexy, and Castiel can't deny he finds a certain amount of amusement in them.

"Oh damn, Prof broke out the bow tie and suspenders for class today. He's trying to get blonde TA to finally dump muscular TA for him."

"Look at blonde TA bending over like that to hand out papers. She is _totally_ doing it on purpose."

"No TA's today, wonder if they're making out in a broom closet or something."

"Maybe the muscular one is sick and the blonde one is taking care of him," Castiel offers. It's the first time he's joined in, and Gordon beams at him.

"Maybe. We'll have to look out for that when they're back."

All in all, it's not a terrible way to pass the time. Especially in a class where he can't quite wrap his head around the subject matter. Or feign enough interest about it to sound excited when he talks to his parents each week.

Though… Cas sometimes winces when hears him overtly flirting with some of the other students in a style far too aggressive to be appealing. But if Gordon catches his eye afterwards, he looks sheepish. And while Castiel might prefer he not engage in such behavior to begin with, his chagrin is at least a step in the right direction.


	2. Chapter 2

**General AN:** This is just a little PSA/note to anyone who follows my writing in general on ff dot net. My frustrations with some aspects of the site are causing me to switch permanently to ao3 as a means of publishing fics. I won't be publishing any new works on this site, so if you're interested in continuing to read my stuff, you'll have to switch over to my tumblr (jhoomwrites) or ao3 (jhoom) accounts. HOWEVER, because I have a number of unfinished WIPs and series on this site, I will continue to update those until they're complete. That means that the following stories/series WILL continue to be updated on ff dot net: The Mark; Academy Blues; love to hate; What's in a Name?; any fics related to Welcome to SKU. Anything new that I post that is NOT related to those stories will NOT be published here.

* * *

 **AN:** not gonna lie, i'm not super thrilled with this chapter, but i pushed through and am posting it because i'm not sure there's much i could do to make it better. really all i'm trying to do is set up how calm, collected, go with the flow cas is having this mental breakdown that'll make his sub drop that much more believable and the subsequent fix that much more satisfying

(not to say that subdrop can't happen without all this other stuff going on - it can - but i wanted this outside context as a way for the boys to be better at *seeing* it and finding out what it is... i feel that they're so inexperienced that they wouldn't be able to put it together without it being this huge thing that sends up a bunch of red flags)

i'm also struggling with some of the characterizations. i need some of the characters to be kind of dickish (and obliviously so) while not being outright jerks. anyway, i've done all i can for this chapter and i think the next few will be easier for me to write.

one final thing... don't expect the updates for this to maintain their current pace. i'm silly and easily distracted and have a bunch of other projects that i like to flip back and forth between. i'm still gonna update, just don't assume there's a fixed schedule.

* * *

Castiel cracks under the pressure.

It takes weeks and weeks of unrelated experiences to do it, but eventually they build and build until he caves completely.

The Econ class is an obvious source of stress. Even though it's the only class and there's little else to steal his time or attention, Castiel finds he just doesn't get it. It doesn't come easily and it's just plain _boring_. Dean tries to encourage him and offers to help him study, but Cas usually brushes him off and continues to muddle through.

"Well, there's at least one thing you're learning from all this."

"And what's that?" he asks while chewing the end of his pen and trying to make sense of his textbook.

"You learned you don't wanna be a Business major. Your parents can't get mad at you for trying it and finding out you didn't like it, right?"

He flashes Dean a genuine smile, small but no less bright for it. "I suppose that's something of a silver lining."

As the course continues, he holds onto that as a small consolation for enduring not only the course but the hit to his GPA that's no doubt coming.

One source of stress is hardly something Cas can't handle. But add to that that their living arrangements aren't ideal, and the bigger picture starts to become clearer. The apartment is well situated by a bus stop and it's close enough to campus that Castiel can ride his bike to class. There are lots of local cafes and the park he prefers to run through. Dean's room is spacious enough to hold both of their stuff and the gas stove is amazing.

All of that's wonderful, he can't deny that, yet it's not Castiel's space. As happy as Dean is to have them there and as neutral as Bartholomew seems to be about his presence there, there are times he feels unwelcome. Nothing there is _his_ , he has no claims to anything and it's unsettling. At the frat house it wasn't an issue. There was common area that he had a right to as a frat brother, but here it's all Dean's and Bartholomew's. He's there by their good graces and he doesn't like it.

It's not that he doesn't get along with Bartholomew, as Dean constantly asks. The two are on friendly terms, but Cas finds he has little in common with the pre-med student. The few times they try to chat end in awkward silences. By silent mutual agreement, they avoid each other. Which often results in Castiel feeling trapped in Dean's room or holing himself up at the library.

But again, Castiel is confident he can manage both of these concerns. They're temporary issues with obvious expiration dates. Once the class ends in a couple weeks, he'll be flying back home to spend time with his family and high school friends. The date is carefully marked on his calendar, something to keep him going when he's feeling particularly down.

One afternoon when he needs that little pick me up, the third and final weight starts to chip away at the foundations of Castiel's mental well being.

As he reaches for his calendar tucked into the top drawer of Dean's desk, he mistakenly takes out Dean's. No big deal - honest mistake, really - but he notices that there's something pencilled in for today. In Dean's precise handwriting reads _Lunch with Lisa 2_.

Castiel stares and stares at the little square on the calendar.

On the one hand, it means nothing. Dean is meeting with a friend for lunch. Dean's a very social person and though he likes to have quiet evenings in to unwind, he also likes to keep himself busy. So it's unsurprising to see that not only today but later this week he has lunch plans with friends.

Yet on the other hand… Dean's always been upfront about this sort of thing, but when Castiel suggested they meet for lunch today, Dean said he was busy. The name Lisa is familiar, but in a way that tickles a memory he's not quite sure he has. Not like Victor's name for lunch this Friday or Charlie next Tuesday evening for happy hour.

Paranoia is a hideous thing, as is jealousy, and he tries to quash them both before they make him into someone petty and ugly over something that's most likely quite innocuous.

Try as he might though, the seeds of doubt have been planted and it plagues him as he rides his bike to campus. They take root and start to grow as he tunes out both the lecture and Gordon's jokes. Unbidden come images of Dean at lunch with this mysterious Lisa, an attractive young woman who's interesting and smart and tells great jokes that make Dean laugh and-

"Yo man, you okay?"

He blinks and looks at Gordon in confusion. "I'm fine."

"Yeah well, the prof said we're on our break for 15 minutes and you're sittin' there like you're about to have a stroke."

"Oh." He gets out of his seat and heads out to the vending machines. Gordon follows closely behind, but he doesn't say anything until they're alone in the hallway and Cas is thumbing some quarters into the machine.

"Seriously bro, you alright?"

"Fine." After struggling to get the bag of chips out of the slot, he sighs and lets his shoulders sag. "Maybe not."

"Hey uh, it's not…" Gordon hesitates and Castiel's immediately on edge. The older boy has a tendency to be abrasive, but it's because he has no filter. He says whatever he's thinking, consequences be damned. So the fact that he's treading carefully now, Castiel can't quite attribute that to anything good.

"It's not what?" he prompts and watches attentively.

Shuffling uneasily on his feet, Gordon looks away as he asks, "It's not Winchester, is it?"

He can feel the color drain from his face but his voice stays remarkably even. "Why would I be upset because of Dean?"

"I'm starting to think this ain't any of my business-"

"Gordon." He finally meets Castiel's eye. "You brought this up. Clearly you think there's something about Dean that could potentially be upsetting me. I'd very much like to hear what that might be."

After rubbing a hand down his jaw and looking around, he continues. "Okay, how bout this? I talk and if I cross any lines you tell me to shut it. And you gotta keep in mind that I've known Dean for a bit but it's not like we're best bros. And I get that I'm probably not either of your fav people. Half of this I've heard secondhand from Aaron or Benny or the other brothers, so… take it as you will."

Castiel's gut twists in knots and half of him wants to tell Gordon to stop. The other sees the words _Lunch with Lisa 2_ and demands to know what he has to say.

"From what I hear, Dean only dates chicks. He dated some girl Cassie all through high school. Sounds like they only broke up because they were going to different schools. Then he had his thing with Aaron, but they didn't date or anything. Aaron always says he figured Dean was experimenting or he was a rebound or something.

"And then there was Lisa." Castiel's pretty sure his heart has stopped but if Gordon notices anything off, he doesn't react. "Those two were inseparable for a year or so. No clue why they broke up or anything, but it must've happened about this time last year. Lisa was at the frat house all the time, then disappeared over break. And then…" He trails off and waves vaguely at Castiel.

It's easy enough to pick up the rest.

Castiel leans against the wall and slumps to the ground, his mind racing as it struggles to both put the pieces together and smash them apart.

"Don't get me wrong, I like Winchester," comes Gordon's voice from above, "but I don't know what his angle is here. I remember Hell Week, and he had you _wrapped_ around his finger. He still looks like he's got you on a pretty short leash. If Dean dated guys, then whatever. But you're the first that's lasted more than a couple drunken make out sessions, and now you're…" He motions to Cas on the ground, unsure how to describe it.

He buries his face in his hands and groans. Gordon awkwardly pats his shoulder. "Sorry man…"

"It's fine," he mutters, sound muffled by his fingers. "I'd rather know than not."

The other students are shuffling back into the lecture hall. Gordon offers a hand to help him up, which Castiel gratefully accepts. He trudges back up the steps to his seat, but only to pack his bag and head out the back entrance.

"Cas, man, where you going-"

"I have go to. If you'd be so kind as to send me a copy of the notes, I would very much appreciate it." He offers a somewhat forced smile and stiff wave to Gordon before disappearing. Only when he hears the door closing behind does he let himself break into a run.

* * *

Cas finds himself unable to go back to the apartment. He doesn't want to risk seeing Dean or Bartholomew or really just about anyone right now, plus he's too keyed up. The idea of being cooped up sets him on edge, so he spends an hour pacing around the quad. Once he's burned off enough manic energy to start processing things again, he whips out his phone and calls Charlie.

"Heya Cas-"

"Dean's having lunch with Lisa."

A tense silence fills the space between them after that. "Oh," she says neutrally and he regrets not having Charlie in front of him so he can read her reaction.

"Charlie," he whines. He'd turned to her because he likes to think of her as a mutual friend. Sure, she was Dean's friend first but they've bonded over enough games of Settlers of Catan that he feels their friendship is more than lip service to Dean.

"Okay, look," she sighs, "I'm sure it's nothing. Dean's not that kind of guy-"

" _What_ kind of guy? Because he's at lunch with his ex and didn't tell me about it and…" he huffs out in exasperation. He never thought he'd be the needy or jealous type, yet here he is and he _hates_ himself for it. Changing tactics, he quietly asks, "Am I Dean's rebound?"

"No!" The firm vehemence of her response does nothing to actually comfort him.

"He started dating me a few weeks after he broke up with Lisa, right? And it started as just sex-"

"Hey!" she interrupts sharply, but the rest is much kinder. "I mean sure, by the strictest definitions of a rebound, then yes. But that's just the timing of it. Seriously, Dean's crazy about you. It's adorable. I'm sure Dean has a completely reasonable explanation for not telling you about his Lisa thing and I'm begging, literally _begging_ you to talk to him about it before you jump to any conclusions."

Very quietly, he whispers, "Why did Dean and Lisa break up?"

"I have no idea."

"Charlie-"

"Really, I don't. He never told anyone. He was mopey for a bit but wouldn't talk about it. Then he met you and was all happy and, well, _Dean_ again that it didn't really matter anymore."

"Okay." The Lisa thing is only a small piece. While he might entertain the thought that Dean might be doing something untoward with Lisa, he doesn't put much stock in it. He trusts Dean. The thought that currently sits uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach is tied to this unknown Lisa, but there's more to it than that. "Has Dean ever dated a guy before me?"

"No?" Her confusion disappears as she _arghs_ slightly. "Cas, just because you're the first guy he's been serious amount doesn't mean he's any _less_ serious about you than he was with his girlfriends. I don't like meddling - and _despite_ what everyone says, it's true - but I am _pleading_ with you to talk to Dean about this. You're not going to be able to believe anyone but Dean about this, so _ask him_."

He mutters his way through some assurances that he'll do just that.

All this new Dean related crap dumped on top of his earlier stress is giving him a headache. Unable to avoid it any longer, he bikes back to the apartment, buries himself in a huge mountain of blankets, and sleeps.

* * *

"Cas?" He smells something that has his mouth watering and he peeks under the blankets to find out what the delicious aroma is. Dean's leaning over the bed with a big bowl of what appears to be spaghetti and meatballs. "Brought you dinner, sleepy head."

His earlier anxiety melts at the thoughtful gesture. Silently he grabs the bowl and starts stuffing his face, moaning appreciatively around the first bite. "Thanks."

"No problem, babe." Dean musses his hair before picking up his own bowl and sitting next to him on the bed. "How was class?"

There's something about the way Dean asks that has him raising an eyebrow. "It was fine, I suppose…"

Without a word, Dean leans over the edge of the bed and pulls out a neatly folded pile of papers. He hands it over and Castiel sees Gordon's sloppy (yet legible) scribbles. "Between this and you being dead to the world when I got back, I was kinda worried. You gettin' sick or something?"

It's the perfect opening, yet all he can manage is the poor excuse, "Just a headache."

Whether Dean believes him or not, he's unsure. The only answer he gets is Dean grabbing the back of his neck and kneading the muscles there for a moment before he goes back to eating. The two continue quietly. The weight of all the things left unsaid builds until Castiel winces and chokes out, "How was lunch today?"

"Hmm?" Dean slurps up some of his pasta. "Alright, I guess. I mean, kind of a downer but as well as can be expected."

Baffled, Castiel frowns. "What?"

His boyfriend rolls his eyes and dismissively waves his hand. "My ex wanted to have lunch to apologize for the shit awful way things ended. I've been putting it off for months but she like, came into my internship and kinda cornered me so I gave in. I guess it was kind of cathartic, though? To deal with it and get an apology? I dunno, I probably could've done without the closure but…" Then he shrugs and trails off.

This should be more than enough for him, but he can't help prompt, "No one knows why you two broke up…"

Dean flinches, honest to god _flinches_. "That's because it was a real friggin shit show for a while. She cheated on me at the end of the school year when we were going through a rough patch. Maybe not technically cheated because we were sort of broken up? It was like a trial separation before a real break up I guess? I don't really remember."

The picture Dean paints is so unlike the one of domestic bliss Gordon told him about, but then he remembers that Gordon himself clarified that he was always an outsider. He never pretended to know more than he said, or even that what he saw was the complete story. It's easy to imagine a couple appearing perfect and happy from a distance, their outward smiles a shiny veneer to hide deeper issues underneath.

"And if that weren't enough of a kick in the nuts," Dean goes on, on a roll now that he's finally talking to someone about it after all this time keeping it bottled in, "She thought she was pregnant for a bit. Had no friggin clue if it was me or the other guy, either. For a while there, I _hated_ her for that. Once she told me it was a false alarm, we kinda cut ties with each other. I did her a solid by not telling anyone the whole messy ordeal, and she did me a solid by giving me my space.

"Until apparently recently. Turns out she's engaged to the guy she cheated on me with, wanted me to hear it from her and all that."

"Wow…" Castiel has been so deep in his own hellstorm of bad thoughts that he finds himself now inadequately prepared to comfort Dean.

Luckily all Dean seems to have needed was an ear to vent to. "I know, right?" He leans over to kiss Cas' check. "So I've been dreading this lunch for a while, but it's over and it wasn't terrible and it's like… _officially_ over. Thank fucking _god_. Hey!" And somehow Dean's stress is completely gone and he's flashing a blinding smile at Cas. "Jo told me about this new Netflix series that just came out last week or something and it's supposed to be pretty good. Wanna eat ice cream and binge watch it with me?"

The rest of the evening goes a long way in helping Castiel relax. Though it's hard to be too upset, snuggled up against Dean in the cocoon of their shared bed.

But before he falls asleep, his thoughts are still troubled.

Dean, whether meaning to or not, has undercut how important his previous _female_ relationships have been to him while at the same time glossing over how unimportant the _male_ ones were. And while Charlie's right, it should have no bearing over _their_ relationship, Castiel can't help but think that it does.

Aaron was a gay experiment, as were apparently the other nameless men in Dean's sexual experience. Cassie and Lisa were year long commitments (if not longer). And now Castiel can't help but wonder if Dean's abrupt switch from girlfriends to a boyfriend has anything at all to do with the pregnancy scare he'd dealt with last summer.

If he's merely convenient because he wears panties and bends over when Dean asks. Great for sex but not someone he plans on building a true relationship which. A great place holder for when Dean will eventually find himself ready to have children, then he'll seamlessly move back to dating women again.

So where does that leave Castiel?


	3. Chapter 3

**General AN:** This is just a little PSA/note to anyone who follows my writing in general on ff dot net. My frustrations with some aspects of the site are causing me to switch permanently to ao3 as a means of publishing fics. I won't be publishing any new works on this site, so if you're interested in continuing to read my stuff, you'll have to switch over to my tumblr (jhoomwrites) or ao3 (jhoom) accounts. HOWEVER, because I have a number of unfinished WIPs and series on this site, I will continue to update those until they're complete. That means that the following stories/series WILL continue to be updated on ff dot net: The Mark; Academy Blues; love to hate; What's in a Name?; any fics related to Welcome to SKU. Anything new that I post that is NOT related to those stories will NOT be published here.

* * *

 **AN:** just warning you guys that this is the subdrop chapter. if that's not something you want to read without immediately getting to the part that starts trying to fix it, you might want to hold off til the next update comes.

next chapter will be the first (and possibly only?) dean POV in the series

* * *

Somehow the next day is worse.

Cas hates waking up alone, but he's feeling more betrayed by the empty side of the bed than usual. Even the little note Dean's left perched on his laptop - _Hope you're feeling better :) -_ doesn't lift his mood much. He tucks the note into his notebook and wonders at the surprising _lack_ of warmth he felt at seeing it.

During his morning run, he's so in his own head that he misjudges the height of a curb and twists his ankle a bit. He's barely a mile away from the apartment, but the trek back causes him nothing but discomfort. It slows him down so much that he actually misses the first bus to campus. And it's not like he can bike there with a sore ankle so he's stuck waiting for the bus.

Which, of course, makes him late to class. Gordon eyes him as he limps up the steps, smiling apologetically at the professor, and all but collapsing into his usual seat.

"You alright dude?"

Castiel shrugs and starts scrambling to get out his notes. He'd been in such a bad mood last night, he hadn't bothered going over the notes Gordon gave him. There's little to no chance he'll understand today's lecture, but he'll dutifully write it all down to muddle through later. "Let's just say today can't get any worse," he grumbles once he's set up.

"Uh, you should knock on wood or something. Don't tempt fate like that."

He only barely manages to bite back a scathing comment that 'fate' can do its worst and it would probably be an improvement for how shitty he feels. Somehow Gordon catches onto his ill temper and takes that as his cue to lighten the mood. His continued commentary on the will-they-won't-they love triangle is humorous and on point, but Castiel can't get into it.

Just before the professor lets them take their break, the TA's step forward and start handing out an exam from last week. Gordon gets his back first and glowers at the grade. The older boy isn't much more econ savvy than Cas himself but usually makes low but passing grades. He completely _bombed_ this test, though.

"Fucking econ, man." His hand flexes as he ignores the impulse to crumple the paper, the edges getting crinkled despite his efforts to relax.

Castiel barely has time to mutter agreement when his own exam is slid onto his desk.

" _Bro_." Then Gordon whistles. "Told you not to tempt fate man."

There in big red at the top is the first D Castiel has ever received in his entire academic career. And that includes his abysmal cooking performance in Food and Nutrition junior year of high school. He knew he was having problems with the subject matter, but he thought he'd at least eked out a low C…

"Hey." A warm hand on his shoulder helps ground him. He looks up to meet Gordon frowning in concern. "It's just a D. You're still passing the class and there's still a couple weeks before the final. It's not the end of the world."

Castiel nods numbly, blinking back tears and ignoring the way his throat constricts painfully. Gordon's right, but it does nothing to soothe his anxiety or stop the negative voices in his head.

 _You've always been good at school, never thought you'd get a grade like this. Weren't prepared for it at all._

 _What else might happen that you don't expect? What else should you be prepared for that you're ignoring?_

The rest of the day passes in a haze. If Gordon talks to him, he grunts but doesn't really listen. If the professor speaks, he writes it down but processes none of it. As he hobbles to the bus stop, every broken step is the universe reminding him _you're not good enough you're not good enough_. The whole ride back, he clings to his backpack and stews in dark thoughts.

Bartholomew's not there when he arrives, strange given the day and time, but Castiel doesn't take advantage of the open living room and kitchen. Instead he grabs a snack, barely paying attention to what he's doing, and slips into Dean's room. Dumping his backpack by the door, he crawls into bed and eats.

He's a little calmer by the time he's done, licking crumbs from his fingers. With a full stomach and a free afternoon ahead of him, the world doesn't seem that bad. So he pulls his laptop into his nest of blankets and watches stupid videos on YouTube and maybe spends way too long on BuzzFeed articles because it numbs his mind and distracts him from the world.

A couple hours later, he's half-dozing while re-watching _Mean Girls_ when his phone beeps at him.

 _Dean (4:15 pm): hey babe hope you're feeling better_

 _Dean (4:15 pm): bart said he's out of town visiting friends so we've got the place to ourselves_

 _Dean (4:16 pm): wanna have a little fun ;)_

A mild arousal simmers in his gut at the prospect. They've had so little time for sex lately (the walls aren't very thick and Dean doesn't want to freak out his roommate with how _loud_ he can get), he finds the prospect would do them both some good. The physical closeness is something he craves right now, and the idea of being able to enjoy his boyfriend's company without distraction has him grinning.

 _Cas (4:20 pm): I'd like that_

 _Cas (4:21 pm): I'll be ready for you when you get back_

 _Cas (4:21 pm): Sir._

 _Dean (4:25 pm): mmm atta boy_

 _Dean (4:27 pm): i should be back in maybe two hours? see ya xoxo_

Two hours is a lot of time to fill, especially when one's unmotivated and disinterested in doing much of anything. Dean always has specific things in mind, and without any warning as to what those might be, so Castiel busies himself in the shared spaces as well as the bedroom. Then, because he still has some time left, he smirks to himself and pulls out their little box of toys.

The collection isn't as complete as they'd like. Based on the absolutely filthy things Dean's said in the heat of the moment, there's no end to the things he'd like to do to Cas. So far all they have are some vibrators, dildos, and plugs. He's thinking about getting Dean some anal beads for Christmas (it seemed inappropriate as a housewarming gift, despite how much Dean might like them), but until then they're limited to what's here.

Grabbing one of the thicker plugs and lube, he sets to opening himself for Dean's later enjoyment.

As his fingers brush along his prostate, Castiel shivers. Not in pleasure, but at the worrisome _absence_ of pleasure. He's barely half-hard and all his actions are perfunctory at best. The momentary spike of arousal he'd experienced when Dean first texted him has long since waned, and even the thought of what might come later can't bring it back.

 _That's the problem. Dean's not here. Once Dean's here I'll be fine_.

Once he works the plug into place, Castiel decides to wait in the living room and order dinner. He flips through the drawer of carry-out menus in the kitchen, finally settling on a deep dish pizza place a few blocks over. All that's left is to wait, so he putters around the apartment and even pretends to read over his notes until a knock at the door saves him.

Castiel grabs some cash from his wallet as he rushes over, opening the door only to be greeted by a very familiar set of green eyes leering at him suggestively.

"Pizza man."

It takes him a moment to recover from the image of Dean leaning in the doorway, holding up two steaming pizza boxes and licking his lips like he's not at all interested in the meal in hand. "How much do I owe you?" he purrs, playing along with this ridiculous scenario.

"Oh, I don't accept cash. But if you have any other ways of repaying me, I'm sure we could work something out."

"You're terrible." Cas swats playfully at Dean's chest before taking the pizza boxes and leading the way into the apartment.

"I think you mean I'm _awesome_." His bag gets abandoned by the door as he toes off his shoes and runs a hand through his hair. "Man am I looking forward to this evening. Haven't gotten you all to myself in like _months_."

"That's a slight exaggeration." He bends over to put down the pizzas, only to find strong arms wrapping around his waist as he stands up. "But I'm not complaining."

"Good." A wet kiss is placed on his neck before Dean disappears. "I'm gonna grab some plates."

Excitement's radiating off Dean, and Castiel's surprised the other boy can wait until dinner's done before he pulls Cas into his lap right there on the couch and starts kissing him. But Dean ignores his obvious eagerness and slowly lavishes attention on Castiel's mouth. The intensity stays muted for a while, more about exploration and enjoyment than pushing things along. It's pleasant and exactly what he's been craving.

Dean's hands start to wonder. He massages the back of Castiel's neck before moving on and finally resting at his hips. Then he pushes up into him, a slight rocking motion that makes it painfully obvious how hard his boyfriend is underneath him. Castiel's body reacts - and it's only then that he notices he's still soft - and a moan escapes his lips.

"Good boy." A few more kisses before Dean pulls away. "Stand up and undress for me." Then he nudges Cas until he's on his feet.

It doesn't take long for him to undress under Dean's watchful eye. Once naked, Dean leans back on the couch and motions for Castiel to turn around. Cas obeys, doing a slow circle to the right. He's never been self-conscious in front of Dean. It's been pretty clear from day one that Dean finds him physically attractive. Even with the panties and the women's clothes back during Pledge Week, nothing's ever made Dean look at him with disgust or mockery.

Things aren't any different now. He skin buzzes in anticipation as he starts to show his back. He waits eagerly for the moment when Dean will see the end of the plug-

A sharp inhale punctuates Dean's discovery. A hand reaches out to still his movement, another fingering around the end before forcefully pushing it even deeper. He gasps and feels his erection twitch.

"Mmm looks like you got started without me." Dean abruptly stands up right behind him, the movement nearly knocking Cas over. Dean catches him before he can fall, only to force him to bend over the coffee table. His hands brace on the hard wood as Dean manhandles his ass higher and his shoulders lower. "Can't have that now can we?"

The first slap is such a surprise that his whole body juts forward, only to be pulled back and held firmly in place by Dean. The second is a natural follow-up to the first. Just as hard but he's expecting it. The next few don't faze him, merely a continuation of a long drawn out moment of pain.

Dean gently caresses his ass, no doubt red and angry from the attention, before moving his hands to cup his hips. He thrusts a few times against him. "Did you come when you worked this into you?" Dean asks as he wiggles the end a bit.

"No, sir."

Another slap, though not as hard as the previous ones. "Good. I'm still going to have to punish you, but it won't have to be as bad this time. I might even let you come if you're good for me."

Goosebumps rise on Castiel's arms.

"Hmm how many do you think would be an adequate punishment?"

"I don't know, sir." And he doesn't. He wants to please Dean, to let him have his fun and exert control until he's satisfied and will take care of Castiel. But they've not done much spanking before. Hell, they've already outdone any previous forays into this type of physical abuse, so he has no idea what Dean wants to hear. "Ten?"

"Are you askin' or tellin'?"

"I'm telling you, sir. Ten is a good number."

Dean considers, fingers wandering up and down Cas' thighs as he does so. "I think you're right. You were just trying to get yourself ready for me and be a good boy. Ten is more than reasonable." He shifts behind him and Castiel can sense him preparing to slap him again. "Count them out for me, would ya?"

By the end, his ass is sore and he's not sure if he likes that or not. In the past, he's enjoyed Dean marking him in ways that he'll be able to see or feel later and remember their shared intimacy. Now, though, it seems out of place and almost wrong.

The sting fades into the background as the plug is removed and cool fingers replace them. He sighs in relief, easing into Dean's touch as he applies more lube and makes sure he's stretched enough. "You ready?"

For some reason the question grates on Cas' nerves. He knows Dean's trying to be thoughtful, but his boyfriend must _know_ he's ready. Does he doubt Castiel's ability to take him?

But all that comes out is a terse, "Yes."

And then Dean's fucking him. It's glorious at first as he waits for Cas to adjust. His thrusts drag in and out, hit him just right. But then Dean's fingers dig into the flesh just below his hips and he starts _pounding_ into him.

It shouldn't bother him. They've had sex almost exactly like this a dozen times. But it does. His mind scrambles to try and explain it, to grasp at understanding his increasing discomfort. It's just… He doesn't want _this_. Sex yes, but it's so rough and uncaring and distant. This isn't how boyfriends are supposed to treat each other, is it?

He tries, but he soon finds he can't even stay hard, which only builds on his distress.

Dean kisses along his back, between his shoulder blades, laps at his ear. A hand reaches around to stroke him. His pace falters a little. "Cas…?"

The hand enclosed around his cock is warm and would be comforting, except that it now brings attention to how unenthusiastic a partner he is. That's the tipping point for Cas, the final push that makes it all crash around him. Because he's a terrible partner. If their entire relationship is built on good sex and he can't even provide that, what _good_ is he?

He doesn't answer, can't around the lump in his throat. But the tears start spilling over, running freely down his cheeks.

"Cas, baby, what's wrong?"

When he notices the tears, Dean hisses in surprise. He pulls out and Cas sobs at the loss, collapsing onto the table. Why couldn't he hold it together and just be good enough for Dean?

"You okay? What happened? Did I- Did I hurt you?" Hearing Dean freaking out only makes it worse as his whole body shakes as he weeps. "Cas, talk to me, _please_ -"

Dean's hand makes contact with him and he jerks away as though he's been burned. His skin's crawling, over sensitive to even the air in the room to the point that even Dean's soothing touch is _too much_. "Don't touch me!" he whimpers. "I can't… Can't… Don't…"

"Okay." There's a certain desperation in Dean's voice that he's never heard before. He wonders vaguely if this is what Dean would sound like if he were truly begging for something. "But please, Castiel, tell me what I can do to help."

"I don't know." Anything else he might want to say is drowned out by the pained noises he can no longer hold back.

Eventually through breathless pleas, Dean manages to get Cas to the bedroom. He's careful not to make contact, giving Cas the space he's demanded. The closest he gets is when he wraps the blankets around him, hands lingering through the barrier provided by the blanket. But the touch is fleeting. Cas' body both longs for more and rebels against the very idea.

He burrows as deeply as he can into the blankets, forcing in huge lungfulls of his and Dean's combined scent. It's surprisingly effective at calming him. Soon the shivers and crying stop, and he lets himself drift off into oblivion.


	4. Chapter 4

**General AN:** This is just a little PSA/note to anyone who follows my writing in general on ff dot net. My frustrations with some aspects of the site are causing me to switch permanently to ao3 as a means of publishing fics. I won't be publishing any new works on this site, so if you're interested in continuing to read my stuff, you'll have to switch over to my tumblr (jhoomwrites) or ao3 (jhoom) accounts. HOWEVER, because I have a number of unfinished WIPs and series on this site, I will continue to update those until they're complete. That means that the following stories/series WILL continue to be updated on ff dot net: The Mark; Academy Blues; love to hate; What's in a Name?; any fics related to Welcome to SKU. Anything new that I post that is NOT related to those stories will NOT be published here.

* * *

 **AN:** delayed update because of the holidays taking a chunk of my writing time. something that might continue to be problematic as we head into december :/

here's our dean pov chapter :)

* * *

To say Dean is freaking out would be an understatement.

Seeing Cas break down like that was probably the worst experience of his life, in part because he didn't know what caused it and could only guess that he was responsible. Cas cringing away from his touch, tears welling up in his eyes, curling up in the protective cocoon of their blankets-

It kinda fucking breaks Dean heart is what it does.

Once he hears Cas' hiccups calm down into steady, deep breaths, he gives up his vigil at the foot of the bed. Not that he can bear to go far. As quietly as he can, he pulls out his laptop and opens up a browser. But the cursor blinks in the search bar and he wonders just what the fuck to type in.

Part of him wants to chicken out and give up, but he refuses to be intimidated by the blank screen. He starts with what seems the most obvious.

 _panic attack during sex_

He's not sure what he expected, but there are scary words blaring at him from the screen. Things like _sexual abuse_ and _depression_ that he is in no way equipped to handle. He pulls in a steadying breath before diving in. On a post-it not he makes a list of possibilities, crossing them out or putting question marks next to them as he finds out more.

Without knowing more about Cas' past, he can't rule out some thing, but he's confident in deciding it _isn't_ a result of Cas being asexual. But that's really all he's been able to take _off_ the list. He's just clicked on a forum that looks promising when Castiel shifts in the blankets. A whine escapes the blanket force and Dean's jumping out of his chair, nearly flinging the laptop off his desk in an attempt to get to the bed.

"Dean?" There's movement under the blankets. "Where are you?"

"I'm here babe." His hands reach out for Cas but hovers just out of reach, not wanting to upset his boyfriend. "Tell me what you need."

When he finally appears from beneath the covers, there are fresh tears in his eyes and his bottom lip is trembling. "Dean…" He moves around, making room for Dean behind him. "Please just… just hold me-"

Dean springs into action, crawling in the space Castiel's made for him and wrapping his arms around him. "This okay?' A tiny nod is the only answer he gets before Castiel's crying again, face buried in the pillow as Dean kisses the back of his head and whispers over and over, "It's okay. I'm here, I've got you."

Only after he promises not to leave his side for the rest of the night does Cas calm down enough to fall back asleep. Dean tries to hold onto the edges of his sanity and not splinter apart from worry. Without disturbing Cas, he manages to reach over his sleeping boyfriend and grab his phone. Thank god his browsers are synced, because he easily loads up the site he'd last been on.

The posts in this forum make his heart skip a few beats. Words like _submissive_ and _dominant_ eerily parallel a lot of what they've been doing, and he's almost afraid to click on the explanation of _subdrop_. But pieces are starting to fall into place. All the things they've said and done to each other over the past few months, along with all the things they _didn't_ say or do that they should've. The lack of communication about something so fundamental to their relationship makes him feel queasy.

 _Stop being selfish. This isn't about you feeling guilty. This is about making Cas feel better. You can beat yourself up later._

He spends hours devouring every website he can. Not just about subdrop, but about sub/dom relationships and safe practices. Kink negotiation and what to discuss with your partner. All of the things they should've done probably day one he now tries to take in as much as he can now to make up for it.

God does he hope he can make up for it.

Light starts filtering in through the windows and he groans internally when he realizes how -late- early it is. He opens up his messaging app to send out a couple texts.

The first is easy enough, a message to his supervisor apologizing for not being able to come to his internship that day. He's very sure to word it so that it's clear his absence today is nonnegotiable, but polite enough that he won't get too much shit for it later.

 _Dean (6:45 am): Frank, sorry but I'm not going to be able to come in today. I can make up the hours next week._

The next requires more thought. While Dean's reasonably sure that Cas is experiencing subdrop, he needs to know if there are other factors at play. Things that might've been building up to make this worse. Fuck, maybe Cas has even felt a less intense form of this in the past and he didn't notice, didn't take care of him-

 _Slow down, Winchester. Breathe._

Once he's calmed down, he scrolls through his contacts to try and figure out who Cas might have reached out to if he were feeling stressed. (Honestly, Dean would've thought _he'd_ be that person for Cas. When he was worried about school or aggravated with his parents, he'd talk to Dean.

So… maybe he didn't talk to Dean because Dean _is_ the issue?

Charlie then. Even though she was friends with Dean first, she's not the type to play favorites unlike Benny or Viktor or the other frat brothers. And she'd have first hand experience of Dean and their relationship to be able to offer a ear or advice.

But what to say? He doesn't wanna air their dirty laundry about what they do behind closed doors. He's not a prude or anything, but he's not comfortable talking about it without Cas knowing. It takes a while to carefully word what he wants to say. Vague enough that he's not giving away too much, but specific enough that Charlie should know exactly what he's concerned about. Well, assuming Cas talked to her at all.

 _Dean (7:05 am): hey charlie, did cas say anything to you lately? he seemed kinda bummed_

He tucks the phone under his pillow, not expecting an answer for a while. He's barely gotten comfortable, first checking on Cas and kissing his bare shoulder, when it vibrates several times in rapid succession.

 _Charlie (7:07 am): he asked about lisa_

 _Charlie (7:07 am): i told him to talk to you which i'm guessing he didn't_

 _Charlie (7:07 am): you damn well better be treating him well dean or i'm gonna shank you_

He winces at that. The threat doesn't bother him so much as the realization that, unintentionally or not, maybe he _hasn't_ been treating Cas as well as he meant to.

 _Dean (7:08 am): i told him about the lunch with lisa the other day_

 _Dean (7:09 am): told him everything, even the breakup_

 _Dean (7:10 am): still seemed bummed afterward_

Hopefully Charlie has more to offer, because that's not much to go on. He'd laid it all out for Cas and at the time it didn't seem like he was bothered by it. Course it's starting to look like Dean's god awful at picking up _when_ something bothers Cas or Cas is just damn good at hiding it. All the warnings about the importance of honest communication from the websites make him want to throw his phone in frustration, but he pushes it aside for now.

 _Charlie (7:13 am): jfc i told that boy to *talk* to you_

 _Charlie (7:14 am): look it's not my place to mediate this sort of stuff between you and your beau_

 _Charlie (7:15 am): BUT i will say that he's feeling insecure about you two_

 _Charlie (7:16 am): only he can explain why to you and only you can fix that_

 _Charlie (7:17 am): so work that shit out - cas is my fav of all the ppl you've ever hooked up with and if you ruin th-_

 _Charlie (7:18 am): (2) -is i'll never forgive you_

Fondness wells up inside him. Damn if Charlie isn't a good friend, and he loves that she's so fiercely protective of Cas even if it means getting on Dean's case.

 _Dean (7:20 am): dude don't worry *i'll* never forgive me if i fuck this up_

 _Charlie (7:21 am): that's what i like to hear :)_

 _Charlie (7:21 am): (though maybe it wouldn't hurt for cas to hear it too?)_

Although he wants to poke at her for still meddling despite her claims that she wouldn't, he thanks her instead and puts the phone back under the pillow. Snuggling close to Cas, he lets the steady heartbeat and rhythm lull him under.

* * *

He wakes up confused and disoriented, feeling like something's out of place. When he notices how stiff Cas is in his arms, Dean blinks away his grogginess. "Cas?"

"Yes Dean?" The other boy sounds like he's been crying again, voice rough but frail.

All the things he planned to say die, the words too heavy on his tongue. He swallows them back down, leaning forward to nuzzle into the back of Castiel's neck. Cas stiffens for a moment before relaxing into the touch. "Wanna eat breakfast?"

"It's afternoon," he says morosely. "And you're late to your internship."

Dean grunts as he kisses his way along the back of Cas' neck up to his ear, sucking gently on it before whispering in his ear, "It's okay, babe. Took the day off. Want me to make you pancakes?"

"Okay."

Hand in hand, they climb out of bed. Castiel slips on some boxers and a shirt, then follows Dean to the kitchen. While Dean whips up some food, Castiel sits meekly on a bar stool. His shoulders are hunched in and he stares unseeing at the counter. Dean's attempts at conversation get him nowhere since all he gets in response is a shrug or maybe a headshake.

Hardly one to be deterred, he starts humming to himself. Then once he's flipping pancakes, he starts singing out loud and swaying his hips. He knows damn well he can't dance worth shit and couldn't keep a tune to save his life, but it's worth making a display of himself when he notices Cas peeking up at him through his messy dark locks and the ghost of a smile play at his lips.

By the time Dean's sliding a plate of pancakes, complete with chocolate chips and loads of syrup just like Cas likes it, he looks infinitely more at ease. They eat in companionable silence, Dean doing his best to radiate calm. Once they're done, Dean maneuvers them over to the couch.

With the big throw pillows Bartholomew loves so damn much cushioned around them like a fort, he covers them in blankets and turns on the TV. Cas still doesn't say much, only clipped responses as Dean tries to find something for them to watch. There's so much they need to talk about, but he's not going to push just yet. So they end up watching game shows and re-runs of _Friends_ for a couple hours until finally _finally_ Castiel speaks up.

"I'm sorry about last night. And that you're missing your internship for me."

It's so soft, barely even said at all, but instantly Castiel has his full attention. He reaches for the remote and turns off the TV, turning to face Cas better.

"Babe, don't feel bad about either of those. You're allowed to get upset and I'm more than happy staying here to make sure you feel better. You're important to me."

Castiel goes red and looks away. Belatedly he realizes the TV is no longer on, frowning at the blank screen as his eyes dart to find some other distraction. Dean reaches for his hand, but as soon as their fingers touch Castiel jerks a bit and Dean snaps his hand back.

"Sorry, I… Sorry."

"No," Castiel hisses in frustration, reaching forward to grab Dean's hand and clasp it tightly between both of his own. " _You_ have nothing to apologize for. _I_ ruined your evening. I'm _currently_ ruining your day-"

"Castiel." Hearing his full name stops him short, brow furrowed. It's enough to snap him out of his self-deprecating speech, so Dean jumps in before he can get back to it. "I'm going to say this as many times as you need to hear. I'm not upset. We for sure need to talk about what happened, but I'm not angry at you."

"Talk?" he squeaks.

Dean holds back a sigh, knowing it would only serve to make Cas more anxious. "Cas… I'm not going to sugarcoat this. I'm worried. There are some things we should talk about."

A myriad of emotions flicker across Castiel's face. Fear. Embarrassment. Devastation. A flash of irritation, and then numb resignation. "Alright Dean. Let's talk."

"Cas," he whines, reaching with his free hand to grab his boyfrien by the scurr of the neck and pull him forward until their foreheads touch. "Babe, seriously. I'm crazy about you. I wanna help. But not talking about some of this stuff is what got us in this position in the first place. We gotta fix it, for the sake of our relationship. _Please_."

"Okay." He closes his eyes tightly and nods, his grip a vice around Dean's hand.

"Tell me what's been going on?"

There's a pause, hesitation so tangible goosebumps start to prickle along his arms, but after briefly licking his lips, Cas starts speaking. "I've just been very stressed lately. My class is difficult, and with the pressure my parents put on me to take it… I know they won't be happy to see my grade at the end of the summer."

Dean waits a moment, assuming Cas will go on but that's all he offers. "Oh. Okay. Uh, anything else on your mind?" Cas goes pale, which is answer enough. "C'mon Cas, lemme know. I can't do much about your parents or the econ stuff, but if there's something else I can help with…"

"It's going to sound stupid." Dean's hand flexed in Cas' grip, silently encouraging him to continue. "There's also… I… The current living situation isn't ideal. I don't really have my own space. And no, Bartholomew hasn't said anything, but I still feel like I'm imposing. And I very much realize these are both temporary problems with an expiration date-" He visibly cringes as at his own words, tongue tied and unable to move past the words _expiration date._

"Cas, babe…" All the things Cas have said are reasonable things to be worried about. Dean has no doubt those are contributing factors. As he thinks of what Charlie told him, that Cas is insecure about the two of them, there's definitely more to it that Cas won't talk about. But if he _won't talk about it_ , there's nothing Dean can do. His head drops to Cas' shoulder to hide his frustration.

After collecting himself, he sits back up so he can look Cas in the eye. In his head he screams a mantra of _don't push don't push don't push_. "Okay. I think what happened was the result of a lot of things. You're stressed out about school and family and living here and… whatever else. And then we did a scene and it was too much pressure for you and-"

"A scene?" Castiel repeats, confusion winning out over his prior distress.

Dean mentally hits himself and backtracks. "Yeah, uh… So I was doing some reading last night…" He goes through what he found out. Cas' eyes go wide as he first hears the term, but then he's nodding along and asking questions while Dean explains. He feels like he's getting a chance to see his own reactions from last night flit across Castiel's face as he absorbs it all.

"So, what does this mean?" he asks hesitantly. "If I'm experiencing subdrop… If we've been in this kind of relationship without realizing it… Where do we go from here?"

"Well, I'm not gonna lie, I'm hardly an expert here. But uh, some of the sites had suggestions. If you're willing to take a look, we can talk about some stuff to make things safer. Better. Or… if this isn't something you want to do anymore, or at least not right now, we can stop-"

 _"No_ ," Castiel hisses and very adamantly adds, "I don't want to stop."

If this were last night and Castiel had said that, Dean would've shut it down immediately. If they were talking about having sex right now, Dean would shut it down. Hell, as is he doesn't want to rush into things, but he's pretty sure completely ignoring Cas right now would only make things worse.

"Alright. I'll show you some of the stuff I found, we can talk about it, and if you _still_ want to go through with this whole sub/dom thing after that-"

"I will."

Fuck his boyfriend's adorable when he's being stubborn. "Right, well, once we get to that point, we can start doin it again."

Castiel hums agreement, leaning in to hug Dean and rest his head on his chest. "Okay. Let's get started."


	5. Chapter 5

**General AN:** This is just a little PSA/note to anyone who follows my writing in general on ff dot net. My frustrations with some aspects of the site are causing me to switch permanently to ao3 as a means of publishing fics. I won't be publishing any new works on this site, so if you're interested in continuing to read my stuff, you'll have to switch over to my tumblr (jhoomwrites) or ao3 (jhoom) accounts. HOWEVER, because I have a number of unfinished WIPs and series on this site, I will continue to update those until they're complete. That means that the following stories/series WILL continue to be updated on ff dot net: The Mark; Academy Blues; love to hate; What's in a Name?; any fics related to Welcome to SKU. Anything new that I post that is NOT related to those stories will NOT be published here.

* * *

 **AN:** ack i have been so out of it when it comes to this story - it's hard writing this part because it's all talk and it's all *serious* talk, so it took longer than expected to get done

* * *

The rest of the weekend passes in a blur. Dean starts by grabbing his laptop and reading through some more stuff with him. Castiel nods along, taking it all in and filing some details away for later. It's a lot to absorb, but a lot of what he finds out makes sense when it comes to their relationship. Some of the scenarios Dean describes in examples sound intriguing, and he can't quite help the small bubble of arousal that wells up at the idea of Dean leading him around by a leash-

But he ignores that and focuses on the problem at hand. Namely, how to avoid him experiencing subdrop again.

"Why don't we start with this." Dean pulls up an online quiz and turns his laptop to face Cas. "It asks us individually about different things we'd be interested in doing - like spanking and vibrators and stuff like that. Then it only shows us the things we're _both_ into. And then we can use that as a list of things we can work into our scenes."

Castiel nods, noting how easily the word 'scenes' rolls of Dean's tongue. He doesn't dwell too long on it, unsure what he even thinks about.

After explaining the quiz, Dean disappears into the bedroom. "I don't want you feelin' like I'm spying on you or pressuring you to answer a certain way, okay?" He understands Dean's point, but he feels bereft of his presence and decides to get this done as quickly as possible.

Only… It's not something he can breeze through. He thought it would be relatively straightforward. Does he like to bottom? Yes. Does he like wearing panties? Yes. Does he like giving and receiving head? Of fucking course. He's pretty sure there's very little he wouldn't be open to trying with Dean.

But a quick glance over the list makes him whistle low under his breath in amazement. Some of the items are decidedly familiar and in line with what they've done. He learns that there are names for things they've been doing. Felching and facials are by no means new concepts to him, but now there's a word for it.

Other things are so unfamiliar that he has to look them up, knowing Dean won't want him to commit to something without at least understanding what he's agreed to. His initial hope is to read through it all and be acquainted enough to answer any questions Dean might ask, but ultimately to check everything off.

Although he's been doing his best to talk himself out of his fears about his and Dean's relationship, he's well aware that they are a very sexual couple. He wants to do anything he can to make sure he's a good partner for Dean, to give as much as he can until he's more confident in where he stands. And there are certainly things on this list that he wouldn't be opposed to trying.

Fisting and pet play and sounding all pique his interest, though admittedly he's not sure if the fascination is because of an interest in actually trying them out or just a morbid curiosity. But as he continues, there are some that he simply can't bring himself to click. Rape play, airplay, knifeplay… The very thought of engaging in them makes his chest constrict uncomfortably. He wordlessly keeps going, scrolling so that the offending words are no longer visible on the screen.

This whole thing worries him in the seconds after he hits submit. What if those are things Dean would like to try? Not only is Castiel not an ideal partner for Dean - something that's already nagging at him - but perhaps Dean's not the ideal partner for Castiel either, and that scares him. He's willing to be uncomfortable for the older boy's enjoyment, to allow himself to change in small ways for Dean, yet he can't bare the idea that Dean might need to change for him.

(A small voice whispers to him that if he doesn't want Dean to have to change for him, why would Dean want _him_ to change for Dean? He doesn't know how to answer that voice, so he ignores it.)

Finally he finishes the quiz and hands over the laptop to Dean for his turn. While Dean stays sequestered in his room, Cas putters around the kitchen making himself a cup of tea and trying not to work himself up. Dean's doing his best to help him, that shows that he cares. This whole time he's been understanding and comforting and hasn't blamed or judged Cas at all. That _means_ something, right?

Finally Dean re-emerges and reclaims his spot on the couch. He pats the empty space next to him and Castiel bites the bullet and walks over.

"I'm not gonna lie, I didn't know what half this shit was," Dean says sheepishly as he starts looking through their compatible kinks.

He breathes out a laugh. "Me neither." It's a relief to hear once again that Dean's on the same page as him, at least in some regards.

"Alright, let's see what we've got in common…"

They go over their results together, and Castiel knows only their mutual interests will show. Through omission only will he know if there are things that the other isn't into, and he worries now what things he was only moderately interested in are now things he's put on the table for them to explore. But he quickly finds himself surprised that a lot of those items he'd been somewhat anxious about don't appear at all.

While Castiel's busy mentally tallying the things that _don't_ appear (no fisting, no pet play, and obviously not any of the things he'd been unable to even imagine himself engaging in), Dean smiles at the long list of things they share. "We got a lot we can work with here," he says, sounding pleased. "A _lot_."

"So… now what?" He's torn between wanting to get right back into things and waiting. He do desperately craves Dean's touch again as well as a chance to prove he's not broken, that his momentary display of weakness won't color every future sexual encounter they have from here on out. And yet the idea of giving over control of his body makes him shudder. Too many feelings are at war for control, and he's worried they'll spill over.

"Well…" Dean's momentarily distracted as he copies and saves their results for future reference. "We should probably talk about safewords and stuff like that, but if you want we can save that for later." He closes the laptop and puts it aside, all his focus back on Cas. "I'm kinda hungry, wanna grab lunch?"

"Oh." There's a flicker of disappointment, but also overwhelming relief. The combination bothers him more than he cares to admit. Shouldn't he be frustrated that sex with Dean isn't in his immediate future? That Dean doesn't _want_ to have sex with him?

That trail of thoughts is crippling, so he reels himself back in.

"Sure, let's get something to eat."

* * *

As the day continues and they talk more, now over toasted subs that Dean's made himself, they realize for the first time that they've been doing this all wrong. They discuss an actual safe word versus green-yellow-red. They opt for the color system since they prefer the flexibility of it, particularly that there's some middle ground between continuing and stopping altogether.

(And, Castiel suspects, Dean likes that it offers him the opportunity to check in with Cas more frequently. He starts to notice the lingering touches that Dean casually gives him whenever he can, the way he seeks Castiel's eye when he asks about their plans to try this whole sub/dom thing. His concern is a real thing, not something merely motivated by guilt or lust, and it does as much as Dean's concern to soothe some of his worries.)

(But not all of them. Not yet.)

Then discussion on the topic ends altogether. Dean pulls him in tight and presses gentle kisses to his forehead, then down his cheek and ending on his neck. For the rest of the day, it's nothing but cuddling together on the couch and watching bad TV. They only stop for dinner where they run out to the nearest convenience store and grab Hot Pockets and a gallon of ice cream.

"Dinner of champions," Dean says around his firsts bite, then promptly reverse breathing. "Oh fuc' i's hot." After managing the first bite, he makes a face. "And kinda frozen in the middle."

"True to form for Hot Pockets, at least as I understand it."

"Ugh, I swear I had a way of cooking 'em just right when I was a kid." Dean goes in for more, licking the oozing cheek that's dribbling down his chin. "I think the secret was not giving a shit."

"Mmm, mine's fine."

"What?" Dean perks up and leans over, mouth wide open. Castiel lets him get a big mouthful. Within seconds he's gagging. "You filthy liar, yours is molten lava surrounding a glacier same as mine."

"I think it's part of the experience."

"Yeah? What's next, we buy ourselves a box of ramen and some Pop Tarts, turn ourselves into a pair of legit college kids eating on a budget?"

"No thanks. I've had your cooking and I'm not going back." Castiel stuffs his fast and chews quickly. "It's better when you mix the hot and cold pieces together."

Dean can't laugh around his own food, so he flashes a smile that's all lips and dimples and Castiel finds the knots in his gut loosening a little more.

For the rest of the night, they're almost always in contact, but it's never anything heated or urgent. Their lazy make-out session never escalates. Sometimes Dean cuts it off, sometimes Cas himself decides to shift to lay on against Dean's chest instead. It's domestic and nice and in many ways that he's been lacking since the semester ended.

At some point they drift off on the couch. Castiel lies there dreamlessly, nestled against his boyfriend's side, until Dean gently wakes him. He half-carries Castiel to the bed, wrapping him up snuggly before joining him. In the last few seconds before he nods off again, he can't help but think that today was a perfect day.

… Or at least it would've been if the previous day hadn't happened at all.

* * *

He sleeps restlessly. He tosses and turns so much that in the morning he finds Dean balanced precariously on the edge of the bed as he snores. All morning he's grumpy, barely remembered dreams plaguing him as he helps Dean make scrambled eggs and coffee. Dean, bless him, is a good sport about his foul mood and does his best to cheer him up.

Admittedly, it doesn't work very well.

If Castiel were being honest with himself - something he normally prides himself on but lately he isn't so sure - he'd maybe allow himself to figure out _why_. Why, after such a great weekend (despite how badly it started), can't he simply _enjoy_ it?

But there's a piece missing. This is a callback to how their relationship was during the school year for sure. Dean even forces him to study for his econ class, helping sort through Gordon's notes and quizzing him on some of the terms. Familiar and cozy and yet still there's a piece eluding them.

It's not until midway through the day that he realizes very clearly what that piece is.

After lunch, Dean goes back to their list of shared kinks that he must have printed out at some point. Castiel immediately perks up. Sex. He misses (and, maybe just a little,dreads) sex. From the very beginning, their relationship has hinged upon sex. And it's nice to see that there's more to it than that, but he can't fathom things lasting if they don't get down to the root of their issues and fix them. Sooner or later, one of them will want to try again.

It's not that Castiel doubts Dean's neverending patience and understanding. It's more that the idea of waiting too long grates on _his_ nerves. He wants to past his freak out. He wants to be able to enjoy intimacy with his boyfriend again.

Dean plops back down on the couch and gives Cas his own copy of the list. With a highlighter in hand, Dean quickly marks a few. "So I'm thinking when we try our first legit scene, we should maybe keep it to some basic stuff? Just to get a feel for it."

Looking over the list, Castiel's eyes can't help but wander down to new things he wants to try. He worries his bottom lip and considers Dean's suggestion. As intrigued as he is by the idea of sounding or cock rings, it's probably a little too much for right now. "What did you have in mind?"

"Well… I was thinking these to start off with." He flips the paper around to show the kinks he's marked. They're all rather vanilla compared to some of the things they've done, but Castiel's not exactly opposed to any of them. He rather enjoys it when Dean uses a vibrator on him while making him kneel and give head.

"All those are fine," he says dismissively. There are a couple new items, things they haven't yet tried but that he doesn't foresee having any issues with.

"Cool, so we've got the general idea down to start off with. You want me to come up with a real plan and run it by you first or-"

"Surprise me," he says firmly. "Anything highlighted is good."

Dean blinks a couple times before asking, "You sure?"

It's strange to learn he can still feel shy or embarrassed in front of Dean, but he can't quite help the heat that builds in his cheeks. "I like it when you surprise me."

"Yeah?" Damn if that pleased smile didn't do things to Castiel. "Alright, I'll leave it a surprise then. I still wanna wait though," he adds, sternly pointing his highlighter at Cas. "At least until next weekend. Your class is almost done and I think maybe you should focus on that instead of worrying about all…" He waves at the lists. "All this _stuff_."

"I'd like that. Makes it both a reward and a celebration for surviving this god awful summer semester."

"Exactly." Dean runs his hand through Cas' hair and leaves it at the base of his neck, firmly massaging the muscles there. "Okay, only thing left to talk about is aftercare. Any ideas what you'd be interested in?"

His earlier blush returns in full force, this time his embarrassment causes him to physically retreat further into the cushions and out of Dean's grip. He's vividly reminded of the state he was in after their last 'scene.' Words like _worthless_ and _needy_ buzz through his head and make him not want to ask for anything. He has enough, right? An attentive boyfriend who's willing to work with him. Demanding more seems selfishly unnecessary.

"I uh… Whatever the sites suggest I'm sure is fine. Or, if nothing happens like last time, we could… skip it?"

Dean's gaze turns hard, so much so that Cas flinches when he starts speaking despite the gentle way he answers him. "No, babe. We gotta do it to make sure it doesn't happen. I want to take care of you, okay? There… there _nothing_ you'd want? Like a massage or-"

" _Please_." His hands tremble minutely so he squeezes them shut to stop it. "I just… Can you do it? Plan it out with the rest of our 'scene'? I don't think I can… I can't… _ask_ for anything like that."

For the first time, Dean looks disappointed in Castiel's answer. Everything else he's accepted in stride, but now that he has no idea what he needs to take care of himself… He wonders briefly if this is it, when Dean decides he's not worth all this trouble. It's barely a flicker of a thought, but it's there long enough to snatch the breath from his lungs.

But Dean merely rubs a calming hand over Cas' knee. "Sure thing, sweetheart. I'll take care of it. But only if you promise to lemme know if there's something you want, okay? Anything at all."

Given that Castiel plans on not thinking about it at all, it's an easy promise to make.

"Of course."


	6. Chapter 6

**General AN:** This is just a little PSA/note to anyone who follows my writing in general on ff dot net. My frustrations with some aspects of the site are causing me to switch permanently to ao3 as a means of publishing fics. I won't be publishing any new works on this site, so if you're interested in continuing to read my stuff, you'll have to switch over to my tumblr (jhoomwrites) or ao3 (jhoom) accounts. HOWEVER, because I have a number of unfinished WIPs and series on this site, I will continue to update those until they're complete. That means that the following stories/series WILL continue to be updated on ff dot net: The Mark; Academy Blues; love to hate; What's in a Name?; any fics related to Welcome to SKU. Anything new that I post that is NOT related to those stories will NOT be published here.

* * *

 **AN:** So again, apologies for the very _very_ delayed update. I'm in general struggling with this fic, wondering where exactly I want to go, and despite brainstorming with some people it's eluded me for a bit. I hope to be back on track with (somewhat) regular updates now, but no promises. Thank you again for your kind words and patience as I try to figure things out.

* * *

Bartholomew returns Sunday evening, smelling of smoke and retreating almost immediately to his room. Even out of sight, it makes Castiel uneasy to have him around, so he and Dean also abandon the common spaces. He feels cooped in but at the same time safe, and the contradiction just irks him.

"Wanna grab dinner on campus tomorrow?" Dean says casually as he fiddles on his phone.

It's obvious Dean's trying to get him out of there, give him more opportunities to be away from the apartment and his mixed feelings about it. Cas is exceedingly grateful for it.

"Absolutely."

That Monday sets the tone for the rest of the week. Dean wakes him up with kisses peppered along his back before making him a breakfast croissant and leaving it on the nightstand for him with some coffee. It's still a little warm when he finally crawls out of bed, and he's pleased that Dean's with him in spirit at the moment even if the older boy's already gone to his internship. His ankle feels better so he gets his run in and takes time to enjoy a shower.

Castiel survives class and even takes it upon himself to stay after and get caught up with the TA's. (Who are definitely into each other - the lingering touches as they walk by each other to write on the chalkboard and the pet names of String Bean and Potato are odd but clearly affectionate. He'll have to report this back to Gordon, particularly when they refer to their professor as Green Tea.) The concepts make more sense when they explain them than anything he's read from the book, the textbook, or their professor's nearly illegible handwriting.

He might actually pass the final this week.

And his wonderful boyfriend goes out of his way to call him or text him silly memes. They go out for dinner every night and on Wednesday Dean even sneaks out of his internship during lunch to hang out. At the apartment, Dean puts himself there as a buffer between Castiel and Bart. It's unnecessary, but it's nice to have Dean there to rescue him when conversation becomes stilted.

The affectionate touches Dean lavishes on him are nice too. He feels like maybe he should feel smothered by it all, but he's secretly delighted by it. And he knows that if he were to ask Dean to give him space, he wouldn't hesitate to do so. Given free reign, though, he's always pulling Cas in for hugs and reaching out to run his fingers through Cas' hair. If this were to become the new norm for them, then perhaps all the attention would become too much. But right now, it's exactly what he needs. A tangible reassurance that Dean cares.

This by no means makes Castiel's anxiety disappear. It's still there, hidden beneath the surface, but everything else is good and manageable. The pleasant parts give him something to focus on when the bad parts make him want to cry. And the end is in sight.

Friday. If he's made it this far, he can survive until Friday. He'll take his exam and hang out with Charlie to celebrate. Then he'll go back to the apartment - Dean's already told Bart to vamoose for the night - and enjoy whatever scene Dean has in mind. On Saturday morning, he'll pack and then Dean will drive him to the airport.

It's both an excruciatingly long and a surprisingly short week. The distractions put in place by his schedule and the ones he finds for himself are extremely helpful (and in some ways tedious - he looks forward to being master of his own time again, even if it's only for a month while at home).

When he comes back late on Friday afternoon, triumphant in his successful completion of Econ 101 (and thank god he got a B). As soon as he steps through the door, Dean's on him.

"You ready for me, Pretty Boy?" Dean all but growls into the crook of his neck as he works a bruise there. He presses Castiel into the door, hands running wild up and down his sides.

"Yes," he gasps. The most sexual thing they've done all week is a hurried handjob in the shower, and that was days ago. He's rapidly growing hard in excitement for what's to come.

"Good." And then Dean's gone, giving him far too much space and looking at him sternly. "Go shower and open yourself up while I make us dinner.. Use whatever plug you'd like and come out naked and ready to do as told."

"Yes, sir." It's automatic, their switch back into these roles. If he doesn't think about it, it's almost as if the incident last week never happened at all. This is easy and familiar, something he's always enjoyed about their relationship and now realizes he's been craving. He's sure their talk will help smooth things over, but at the moment Castiel's finding it hard to believe there was ever the need.

Before he can dart past and down the hall, Dean grabs his forearm and holds him there. "Color?"

He blinks in confusion a couple of times before he remembers the system they talked about. "Green, sir."

"Get goin' then." He slaps Castiel's ass for emphasis, and the two set about their tasks.

Last week when he'd gotten himself ready for Dean, it'd been a chore. A necessary part of their evening, but one that was perfunctory instead of enjoyable. Now, though, Castiel sets about to enjoying himself. He teases at his rim in the shower, sliding only the tips of his fingers in as he both cleans and stretches himself.

Hard and aching, he abandons the shower and barely dries himself off before grabbing lube and positioning himself on the armchair in the corner. Then cold fingers are back, pushing deeper and ahhh it's such a welcome relief. Dean's no longer there to guide him through this, so it's up to him to make sure he's in the right mindset and doesn't freak out.

Mmm but if Dean were here…

He crooks one finger while moving deeper with the second. He gasps when he just brushes along his prostate, then reels himself back. Dean was very clear about opening himself up, but nothing more. Oh but Dean would tease him - torment him with carefully timed jabs at his prostate before moving off and continuing to stretch him.

By the time he's open enough to take the orange plug, he's gasping and whining against the wall. The plug, one of their more reasonable sized ones, slides in easily and he knows it's time. No more stalling (and he doesn't even want to put this off anymore).

After a deep breath, he opens the door and makes his way down the hallway. He's instantly hit by the aroma of tomatoes and oregano. His stomach growls in appreciation, all too familiar with how wonderful Dean's homemade pasta sauce is. But that'll have to wait until he's told.

"There you are, Pretty Boy." Dean appears from behind the fridge door, a huge smile on his face. He gives Cas a once over and then motions for him to spin around. Castiel obeys, stopping to lean over and touch his toes once he's facing away from Dean. Dean hums in approval when he sees the edges of the plug, then Cas straightens up and continues turning.

"Kneel on the ground next to the table."

Castiel momentarily wonders which seat, but as soon as he rounds the couch it's obvious. Only one place setting is laid out, and there's a pillow on the ground next to it. He takes his place there and sits straight. He's facing the living room and can't watch Dean work, but he hears the clattering of pans and plates.

He loses himself in the sounds. As best he can, he refrains from assigning meaning to them or picturing the actions going on behind him. So it startles him when Dean comes into view with two plates. Thank goodness he doesn't show his surprise, remaining still as the meal's laid out on the table.

Only after everything has been neatly put in place does Dean take a seat. He keeps some distance between himself and the table and spreads out in the chair in a way that emphasizes his bowlegs. Castiel sees all this from the corner of his eye. His gaze is fixed straight ahead as he waits for his next order.

Dean cups his chin and turns his head to face him. "I've been so busy making dinner for us, I haven't had time to relax. Get me hard, Pretty Boy."

"Yes, sir."

His hands are steady as they undo Dean's belt and push his pants and boxers aside. Dean's starting to harden already. Castiel strokes him once or twice, then dips down to take him-

"Uh uh." Fingers thread through his hair and hold him back. He whines, not because it hurts but because he wants to suck Dean off right here at the table. A thumb caresses his cheek. "No mouth. You're about to eat, this lovely meal I made for you. I don't want you ruining it with other flavors."

Castiel whimpers but does as he's told. Slowly he coaxes Dean to full hardness under Dean's supervision. Occasionally he'll instruct Cas to go faster or squeeze harder or twist at the end, but mostly he lets Cas decide. Only once he's hard and leaking does he put a gentle hand over Castiel's to stop him.

"Good job. Now, we're going to try a couple new things today, okay?"

He nods in understanding.

"I need to hear you, Pretty Boy."

"Yes, sir. I look forward to trying new ways to please you."

A blinding smile is his reward. "Stand up. Brace yourself on the table and point that pretty butt my way." Dean's fingers ghost along the curve of his ass before tracing around his plug. Then he carefully pulls it out and drops it next to his chair. "You're gonna keep my cock nice and warm for me while we eat." As he speaks, his hands guide Castiel until he's straddling Dean's lap. "I've always wanted to spend hours inside of you, and now I finally get to do it."

Now the hands are lowering him onto Dean's dick. He'd been more than generous with the lube before, thankfully, because Dean's dry when he slides in. It burns a little and stretches him even fuller, but once they're settled it's glorious. Dean kisses everywhere he can reach while Castiel adjusts, whispering praise and encouragement.

"Doing so good so far, baby. Love when you follow my directions so perfectly. So amazing and beautiful for me. How's your color, by the way?"

"Green."

"Good." One last kiss to his cheek and then Dean reaches around him to bring one of the plates closer. He dips a fork into the noodles, twisting it around to gather a bunch, then whispers right into his ear. "This is the other new thing we're trying today." He brings the fork up to Castiel's lips.

When he gasps in surprise, Dean slips the food into his mouth and then he's moaning around the wonderful flavors. Bit by bit, dean continues to feed him. Castiel sits there, acutely aware that he's on Dean's cock, and lets his boyfriend pick out the next bite for him. Meatball or pasta or garlic bread or water, Dean orchestrates the whole meal for him, even dabs the corner of his mouth with the napkin from time to time.

And while he does that, Dean's left hand drives him crazy. He draws pattern along his sides. Strokes him until the edge of orgasm only to back off completely. Cards his fingers through Cas' hair and making Cas wish he'd just pull it.

As his plate grows empty, he starts to feel a little guilty. Here he is, licking the delicious sauce off of his lips while Dean takes care of him. He thought the whole point of this sub/dom thing was for him to take care of Dean. The worry is a silly thing, but it starts to grow and grow-

"How was the food?"

"Very good, sir. Thank you."

Dean pats him the ass a few time and nudges him up. "Turn around." He does, and then Dean's forcing him back onto his lap before he can even register the brief feeling of emptiness. He shifts his hips a few times, liking the feel of Dean hard inside him for no purpose other than to be close and enjoy him longer.

"Now…" He hugs Cas close so he can reach behind him and pick up the second plate. He hands it to Castiel and leans back in the chair. "Your turn to feed me."

His cock twitches in pleasure. This isn't Dean taking care of Cas. It's Dean and Cas taking care of each other and damn if the distinction isn't important. Eagerly, he feeds Dean with as much care and attention as Dean had.

Of course, now that they're face to face, that presents a whole new set of problems. Dean likes to suck the fork clean of sauce, or worse yet he'll suck off the crumbs when Castiel feeds him some of the garlic bread. And the noises he makes. Moans of pleasure and little sighs of contentment after each bite.

It's all Castiel can do not to start riding Dean right there on the spot.

"I'm ready for my dessert." Castiel tries to twist around and see if there's something on the table he missed. He yelps when he turns back and Dean's kissing him, licking into his mouth. Castiel tries to follow when he breaks away, earning him a chuckle. "Just as sweet as I was hoping for, but I think I know something even better."

Dean winks and lifts him up. "Dean- Sir- What are you?" But Dean just shushes him and somehow manages to stand up. Two strong arms are braced under his thighs as Dean carries him to his bedroom. He wants to complain that this is completely unnecessary, but at the same time it's also really really hot to know Dean can carry him this easily. His cock is still in Castiel, twitching with every step, and damn if isn't amazing.

They reach the bed and Dean finally slips out as he lays Castiel on it. There's something off about the bed. I seems higher than usual but he's in no position to investigate why that is. And it hardly matters when Dean gets his knees and takes Castiel into his mouth.

"Please please please…" he chants, no idea what he's asking for, but he gets it anyway. Dean continues to bob up and down, but then lubed fingers are playing at his hole and it's so overwhelmingly good. He's been on edge for so long, he feels his orgasm creeping up on him. "Going to… Sir, I'm going to… If you don't stop, I'll-"

If anything his warnings only drive his fingers in faster, right into his prostate. He tries to hold off - bites the inside of his cheek and digs his fingers into his palm - but with Dean working him over, he doesn't stand a chance. He cries out wordlessly as he comes, as Dean milks him until he's dry and then pops off him.

"As a side note, if we weren't in the middle of a scene, I'd really be harping on that dessert joke right now."

Castiel laughs despite himself, though it's too breathy to really be considered a true laugh. He pants as he recovers, watches Dean undressing and carefully folding each piece of clothing before putting it on the dresser.

It's too bad that things are almost done. He'd hoped to last longer, and he laments that now Dean will jerk off or maybe fuck him and that'll be the end of their first official 'scene.' It's almost anticlimactic after all the thought and time Dean put into this. And now it's done and he'll be going home tomorrow, won't see Dean for over a month-

"Up." Dean helps him to his feet and then grabs all the pillows and piles them up on the edge of the bed. Now that he's up, he finally notices that the bed is in fact higher up. The four corners of the bedframe are propped up on piles of textbooks. It's a good foot taller than usual, raising it to just about waist level. Perfect height if someone wanted to-

"On your stomach, legs off the side of the bed."

He positions himself as instructed. He shifts until he finds a comfortable position. His feet are firmly on the ground, but he could easily rest his weight on the bed if he wanted to. The pillows mold themselves around him and if he's going to get fucked into the mattress, this isn't a terrible way to do it.

There's some banging as Dean reaches into the nightstand, no doubt to grab more lube. He waits, and then Dean's pressing the head of his dick against his hole. "You doin' alright, sweetheart?"

"Yes, sir." Then he adds, "Green."

"Good," he purrs as he starts pressing in. Soon he's in to the hilt, completely flush against Castiel. He starts shallow thrusts. Quick and controlled, until they become a little more forceful. When Dean gets like this, so turned on he can barely form a coherent sentence, it doesn't last much longer.

Maybe when they're done, he can find out what aftercare Dean has planned. Enjoy their last few hours together without the pressure of this scene hanging over them.

"So so good… So perfect… Gotta… shit…" Abruptly he stops. "Sorry about that," he says before placing a single kiss between his shoulder blades. "Gotta stop now, or I ain't gonna be able to."

Wait, what?

A bottle opens. What could Dean possibly have in mind that requires more lube? And why does it suddenly smell like lavender?

Dean's cock presses into him when Dean leans over, and then nimble fingers are running in a firm line down his spine. A couple more passes, and then he starts kneading the muscles by his tailbone and lazily making his way up to Castiel's shoulders. When he gets there, he digs in his fingers and then starts going back down.

His brain shut off halfway through the first pass, barely acknowledging that he's being given a massage before he's putty in Dean's hands. The scented oil eases Dean's way as he very thoroughly massages everything he can get his hands on. After taking care of Cas' back, he does his neck and then his arms, one at a time. He does his upper thighs as far as he can reach, then goes retraces every path he's already done.

Every now and then, he'll thrust in and moan about how perfect and tight and wonderful Castiel is. How amazing he is as a boyfriend, as a sub, as a person. Eventually Cas notices that he's gotten hard. He's torn between a low burning arousal and a desire to drift off to sleep. As soon Dean's hands rub firm circles into his ass, then trails down to tease just above where they're connected, the flame burns bright and all thoughts of sleep are gone.

"Dean, sir- Please, just fuck me. Want it, need it- Please please, want you to fill me up, sir… Need it."

There's a pause and then a burst of air from Dean. His hands continue to work, but his rhythm becomes more constant as he thrusts in and out. As his hips move faster, Dean's fingers stop working Cas' muscles until the massage is definitely over and all that's left is Dean fucking into him.

And Dean, always one to babble during sex, lets out a stream of words. Castiel's come to expect all manner of filthy things to pour out of his boyfriend's mouth, yet tonight it's decidedly different.

"So proud of how you did this year at school. You're so fucking smart and kind and damn if you aren't my favorite person in the whole damn world. I've wanted you since the second I saw you at the sign-up table. You were so beautiful and I'd hoped so damn much you'd pledge and maybe I'd at least get to talk to you…"

Castiel's barely cognizant enough to question whether what's happening still qualifies as 'fucking'. The movements aren't frenzies or hurried - though it's all decidedly very intense - and

"Fuck you're so perfect, so lucky to have you. Best thing that's ever happened to me. Don't know what I'd do without you..." Dean's hips start to stutter and his breathing is coming out in ragged puffs. He reaches a hand around to start stroking Castiel, and he bucks into his grip. "Gonna come for me again, baby? Lemme take care of you one more time? Fuck, I love it when you're mine like this. Love you so damn much I- ohhh Cas Cas Cas Castiel…"

The rest is a litany of his name, but Castiel hears none of it. He's come all over the pillows, but he barely notices. There's a confusing mix of euphoria and adrenaline because yes, he and Dean just came, but there are also the important words Dean's just said that have Castiel very near hyperventilating.

Love you so damn much.

What?


	7. Chapter 7

**General AN:** This is just a little PSA/note to anyone who follows my writing in general on ff dot net. My frustrations with some aspects of the site are causing me to switch permanently to ao3 as a means of publishing fics. I won't be publishing any new works on this site, so if you're interested in continuing to read my stuff, you'll have to switch over to my tumblr (jhoomwrites) or ao3 (jhoom) accounts. HOWEVER, because I have a number of unfinished WIPs and series on this site, I will continue to update those until they're complete. That means that the following stories/series WILL continue to be updated on ff dot net: The Mark; Academy Blues; love to hate; What's in a Name?; any fics related to Welcome to SKU. Anything new that I post that is NOT related to those stories will NOT be published here.

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 **AN:** whoooo it's done! sorry about the delay, but i've been working on some other very long fics and this one took the backseat for a bit.

i do have two more ideas for continuations of this verse, so make sure you're subscribed to the **series** (not just this story!). i plan on doing one that starts at the beginning of cas' sophomore year (i.e. a month or so after this story ends) where cas is helping to break in the new pledges (and dean's all hot and bothered by seeing cas bossing people around). i also have an idea for one where cas does a semester abroad *waggles eyebrows*

as always, come visit me on tumblr at jhoomwrites - since i am working on all those big bang projects currently, not a whole lot is getting posted here BUT i do post ficlets under 1k pretty regularly on tumblr and new long fics get posted to ao3

hope you guys enjoyed this fic and enjoy the ending :)

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Castiel lies there, trying to process everything that's just happened.

You and Dean had sex during a scene and now you're lying here in the wet spot, his brain not so helpfully supplies.

Yes. Because that is the most distressing part about this turn of events. The wet spot.

Dean must think it is, because he gently rolls Cas into his back to start cleaning up. He's putty in Dean's hands, letting the older but manhandle onto some waiting blankets before disappearing from the room. Distant sounds float to him - a door opening, running water, Dean walking out to the living room - but none of them.

His mind is too busy puzzling out what the fuck just happened.

The scene was spectacular. Better than he'd expected, honestly. He thought the new layer of their sexual relationship with its newfound terminology wouldn't live up to their usual spark. Boy was he wrong, and gladly so. If this is what things would be like now, he was definitely in board.

And then Dean had to go and ruin it by saying something in the heat of the moment he clearly didn't mean. He doesn't appear to even know he said it. How could something that huge slip out if he meant it? Shouldn't he have recognized it the second the words were out?

Castiel knows that he personally has been acutely aware of every time he's said something as innocent as *I love your shirt* or *I love sleeping over* to Dean. The very notion of saying *more* without at least gauging Dean's reaction is preposterous.

The fact that Dean could do calmly go about the rest of their scene (or were they now on the "aftercare" part? Cas still doesn't quite understand the whole thing) makes Castiel believe he'd just been babbling. Dean has a tendency to do that when he's really worked up. Probably didn't even notice he'd said it.

He resolves not to bring it up. Because either he'll end up embarrassing Dean or hurting himself in the process of finding an answer, and he doesn't want either. Not right now, when everything else is so perfect.

Soon Dean's back and pulling Cas to his feet. He holds Cas' hand and kisses his cheek before leading him to the bathtub. It's one of the few nice features of the apartment. Although most of the space is modestly sized, the bathroom is large and features a clawfoot tub. Arguably, the tub makes it difficult to shower at times (and as Dean is more than willing to lament, makes shower sex next to impossible), but the warm bubble bath waiting for him makes Castiel reconsider its merits.

With Dean there to hold him steady, he eases himself into the water. It is absolutely divine. He sighs happily, feeling his worries float away.

"I'll be right back," Dean says after propping Cas' head up with a washcloth. "I gotta get something from the kitchen."

Cas wonders what else his amazing boyfriend has in store for him. The bath alone would be enough, but there's the distant sound of dishes clattering and the fridge opening. Maybe there's more food coming. He thought he was full from dinner, but now his stomach rumbles in anticipation.

Still alone in the tub, he wonders what treats Dean's going to bring him. Something that he can eat while finishing his bath. Curiosity runs through, making goosebumps prickle along his skin despite the warm water.

Eventually he can hear Dean coming back to the bathroom, humming a tune and occasionally singing a few lines under his breath. Castiel vaguely recognizes the song - something he's no doubt heard a dozen times on Dean's cassettes over the past few months, but he can't place it. When Dean reappears, his singing cuts off abruptly and he blushes slightly. Then he smiles shyly and goes back to humming.

He sets a bowl of fruit down just in reach of the tub with a towel underneath it. After that, Dean only stays in the room long enough to put a plump raspberry into Castiel's mouth, kissing him on the forehead before darting back out again. Sweet tartness suffuses his tastebuds, and he's longing for more.

Before he can decide whether or not to grab another one and risk spilling bubbles all over the floor, Dean's back. A moment later, he's getting in the tub behind Cas and hugging his boyfriend flush against his chest.

"You did such a good job today," he praises while massaging Cas' scalp. More tension drains away and he goes limp in the water. He's practically purring in delight as Dean continues working his nimble fingers into Cas' neck and shoulders.

"Dean," he begs. Begs him to stop saying such kind things. Begs him to stop being so good to him, better than he deserves. Begs him for another raspberry, for continued touches, and for more of the kind treatment he's embarrassed to receive.

"Here." A few more raspberries, then a dried fig. A few more treats to soothe his stomach and make him sigh in contentment. "Let's get you cleaned up."

He nudges Cas so that he's sitting. For a moment, he misses the feel of Dean's skin pressed against him, but then fingers are trailing up his spine and the longing's gone. Dean lathers up the soap and starts scrubbing Castiel's back. Once he's finished there, Dean moves on to Cas' arms and legs. His fingers dip down to clean around his rim, and Castiel's surprised at how tender it is, not sexual in the least while still intimate.

The soap gets placed aside and Dean now works shampoo into his hair. It takes a little bit more effort to wash his hair, but they make it work without too many issues. Dean drains the tub a little so he can add some more hot water, drying off his hands so he can reach more of the snacks. All Cas has to do is lean back and relax - Dean's more than happy to take care of him.

Luxuriating in that knowledge, his mind wanders. He replays their scene over and over, thoroughly enjoying every moment of it. The feeding and cockwarming might be new, but Cas hopes to do them both again. And again and again. He'll never get enough of being filled by Dean, and even though he's at Dean's disposal, there for Dean's pleasure, Cas loved being so close to him.

Loved.

Fuck.

"Did you mean it?" he blurts out, not able to stop the question from escaping once he's thought of it. "Do you love me?'

"Course." Like it's the most obvious thing in world. But then Dean's body grows tense beneath him and his hand stops petting Cas' arm. "Wait… Did you not know that?"

"No." He's not even sure he quite believes it now, no matter how much he wants to.

"Seriously?" Cas gives a slight nod, knowing Dean will feel it even if he can't see it. "Hey, turn around. I'm not saying this to your back."

There's some splashing as he shifts them around so Cas can see him. "I love you, Castiel Novak. I've loved you for months now. I've been screaming it in my head over and over since like, the second month we were dating but I never said it out loud because it seemed too soon, y'know? Guess I kinda never got over the saying it in my head thing to actually saying it out loud."

"You did not."

Huh. But now that he thinks about it, he thinks he can pinpoint the moment Dean realized it. He woke up one morning in Dean's room. They were snuggled close together and when he'd opened his eyes, a pair of green ones had been staring at him in affection. Not affection, actually. Honest to god love.

And since then, every interaction they've had has been based on the simple truth that Dean loves him. The ease with which they communicate (usually, anyway). The soft touches and lingering gazes. The way they look out for and take care of one another.

They way they take care of each other.

"Oh shit," he gasps. Dean frowns in concern but Castiel shakes his head. "I just realized I'm in love with you too."

"Yeah, I know." Castiel glares at his boyfriend, who holds up his hands defensively. "I'm not trying to pull a Han Solo or anything, but seriously, I know. I mean, I kinda figured you knew too, but…"

"Oh god, I'm such an idiot." He turns all the way around so he can properly hug Dean and cuddle into his chest. "I love you."

"Good. It'd kinda suck if you didn't."

He splashes Dean. "Well aren't you lucky."

"And don't I know it."

They go back to cuddling and nibbling on the fruit until the water goes cold and their hands are pruny.

Dean gets out first but stops Cas from following. "Wait here a minute okay? Got one more thing for you."

"You going for best boyfriend of the year?" he teases, but mostly because it's easier than acknowledging how touched he is that Dean went to all this trouble.

"Nah," Dean says as he wraps a towel around the waist, throwing a wink Castiel's way. "You're already a shoo in for first. I'm going for second."

Castiel sinks under the water to hide his blush and pleased grin. Because Dean loves him. All of his earlier worries and concerns mean nothing now that he's armed in that knowledge. Truth be told, he probably shouldn't have let it get to him like it did anyway. If Castiel were to take a look at the entirety of their relationship, even that brief time before they were dating, he'd find nothing there to cause him to doubt Dean. Everything Dean's done or said has been full of love

He apparently just needed to hear the words out loud.

Not completely unreasonable, Cas supposes. He'll just have to remember it for the future.

When he finally runs out of air, he breaks through the surface and unplugs the tub. The water's only halfway gone when Dean returns with a bathrobe for him. "Fresh from the dryer," he explains as he holds it open for Cas.

It feels divine.

Dean grabs a towel and runs it over Cas' head until his hair's mostly dry, then gives himself the same treatment. They must look like quite the pair with their damp hair sticking out at all ends. Hand in hand, Dean leads Cas back to the bedroom.

Stepping to the foot of the bed (now resting back on the ground), he finds some chocolate truffles waiting on the pillow. Castiel smiles to himself, amazed once again by Dean's thoughtfulness.

"I don't deserve you," he sighs out as he crawls into bed.

"I know. Just promise me you'll stick around until you find someone better?"

Dean pulls back the covers for him and Cas climbs in, scooping up the chocolates and munching on them. His boyfriend soon joins him, wrapping arms around Cas and nuzzling into his neck.

"I really do love you, y'know."

"Mmm."

"... Was that mmm about me loving you, or cuz you like the chocolates?" There's a definite pout in his voice that Castiel finds extremely adorable and endearing.

Trying to get chocolate off of his teeth so he can answer, he does eventually manage, "It can be both."

Rarely in his life has he felt so satisfied before. And not just physically, but emotionally as well. The only time he's ever felt anything close to this is when he won his final race of senior year. He'd worn himself out in the final stretch, but it'd been so rewarding and the perfect note to end his four years of track on. But with Dean wrapped around him, pressing soft kisses to the back of his head, he can't deny that this is way better.

It was almost unfair of him to think so little of Dean and not trust in their relationship. It's almost embarrassing now, looking back. Internally he scolds himself for not trying to invalidate his own feelings. He felt what he felt and sure, maybe his anxiety was about unnecessary things, but the feelings themselves were real. Working through them now is better than him trying to bottle them up and ignore them, letting them fester into something worse.

He needed - they needed - him to react that way so they could get to this moment. So they could do things like look up scenes and aftercare and all of that to strengthen them as a couple. So there would be no more weak spots in what they're trying to build together.

Because they are trying to build something. He's sure of that now. This isn't just some college fling. This could be it.

Cas falls asleep realizing that this is just a blending of their sex life, which has always been amazing, with the rest of their relationship. Dean's always offered him attention, called to check up on him, held him close, but now it's being mixed in with the sex. There's no longer this divide between them being boyfriends on one hand, and getting each other off on the other.

Him and Dean? They're meant to last.

Mini-Epilogue:

Dean makes Cas breakfast and coffee the next morning before helping him get his things organized and packed so he can go home for the summer. And of course he drives him to the airport. They make out lazily in the car for a bit before Cas has to actually go check in for his flight.

Dean outright demands Cas text him when he lands (and Cas is more than willing to indulge his boyfriend, even if he thinks his fear of flying is a little ridiculous). They text and call each other and Skype all the time whenever Dean's available. (But no phone sex or Skype sex right now - that's a story for another time *winkwink*)

Even hundreds of miles apart, Dean's there to help Cas when he needs to vent about his parents not liking his Econ grade or his decision not to major in Business. Just like Cas is there to listen to Dean rant about his crazy boss at his internship. Because they're there for each other. As they should be.

And don't even get me started on the surprise visit Dean pays Cas. Dean decides he misses Cas too damn much, jumps in the Impala, and drives. Cas gets up, thinking he's going to spend a lazy day around the house or at the pool, only to find none other than Dean Winchester on his doorstep. Castiel's parents are surprised - technically they don't "know" Cas is dating anyone, but they're not stupid, they hear how their son talks about his "friend" Dean - but delighted. Dean's already making plans for how Cas can meet his family.


End file.
